Kill It With Fire

You probably don’t want to hear about how gross I am when I’m sick, but I’m a bit feverish right now and my judgment is impaired, so, you’ve been warned.

You know how some people catch a cold and all they do is cough and sniffle a little bit for a day and then it’s over?

I’m not one of those people.

I was the kid with the perpetual runny nose. I spent half of my childhood with a nose so blocked that I nearly suffocated every time I tried to eat spaghetti. It’s not nearly as bad now that I’m an adult and actively avoid as much human contact as possible. But still, when I catch a cold, I catch it bad. The last time I got sick, I watched Tree of Life and I was so delirious that I understood the entire movie.

I’m pretty sick right now. I went to the doctor to get a certificate for work for the days I’ve missed. The doctor took one look down my throat, threw an antibiotic prescription at me and told me to stay away from work for the rest of the week. Being kind of curious about gross things, I decided to take a look down my throat to see what the doctor had seen…



…and now I’m traumatized. I want to arm tiny villagers with torches and pitchforks and send them down to my tonsils to slay the hideous beasts that have invaded my throat.



Still, this is nothing compared to the wondrous time when my body decided to have an allergic reaction to itself.

It started as just a regular head cold, but after a few days I noticed red blotches on my arms and legs. They were only small at first, so I didn’t think much of it. But then I woke up in the middle of the night with the strangest feeling. My skin was on fire, as if I’d been badly sunburned. I went into the bathroom, turned on the light and looked in the mirror. My reflection horrified me. The tiny blotches had turned into welts, and they had spread over my entire body. My whole face had swelled up. I looked pretty much like this:


The next day, I hobbled to the doctor. She looked me up and down, and then left the room. She came back with another doctor in tow, not for any medical reason, she just wanted to show me to him. They both stared at me in amazement. I had become a one-woman travelling freakshow, travelling very slowly and not very far at all because the damn welts were even on the soles of my feet.

The doctor deduced that my genius immune system had decided to try and fight the cold virus by initiating an allergic reaction to it. It’s pretty much the stupidest thing my body has ever done.

So here’s hoping the antibiotics the doctor gave me today help to restore me to my former self soon without any little immune system shenanigans along the way.


5 responses to “Kill It With Fire

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