I haven’t done much writing lately because I have been super busy accumulating dry, dead skin cells all over my body. I realised this had become a real problem when I knelt on some dark carpet at work and left behind a leg-shaped patch of white dust.
But I found a solution: Mother fucking coconut oil!
You can buy coconut oil from… shops that sell coconut oil. I don’t fucking know all the stockists off the top of my head what do I look like some kind of grocery store inventory expert? I found it in the Asian Foods section of my local grocery store, so maybe look there or go to one of those hippy food stores.
So you take a dollop of coconut oil, I dunno maybe a tablespoon or so? Mix it with a buttload of sugar. You could probably use salt too if the cannibals you live with prefer savoury human flesh. I like to use sugar and add a bit of lemon juice too because I like to pretend I am a pancake.
Take your sugary coconut oil concoction into the shower and rub that shit all over your body. Once you feel adequately sandpapered, wash off all the sugar and the oil and the layers of shredded skin. Scream as your epidermis nerve endings are exposed to the cold night air.
You should probably clean your shower now that it is coated in oil and sugar, but I haven’t cleaned my shower in about six months and it hasn’t killed me yet, so whatever.
Now, throw your naked body down your hallway like a penguin belly-sliding on ice. If you slide all the way to the other end of the house, you’ve probably used too much coconut oil. Rub the excess slime off with a towel before you sit your greasy arse down on the furniture.
Once you are properly dry and the remaining oil has been absorbed into your skin, you will feel as soft and smooth as a sexy earthworm.
Edit: I should clarify that, as stupid as I’ve made it sound, this body scrub is actually awesome.