I’ve been wallowing in a pit of insecurity lately. My writing progress has been painfully slow, and I keep second guessing every word. I still don’t know my characters well enough. There are plot lines that are murky. I can’t write any further without having a clearer picture but I can’t get a clearer picture if I don’t keep writing. I’m stuck.
I think I’ve tried too hard to distance myself from the story. I wanted to avoid filling it with darkness, but instead I’ve just left it empty. I thought it would be easier to write with less emotion but I was wrong.
I don’t want to start again because I don’t want all this work so far to be for nothing. I’m worried if I let myself start again I’ll just keep rewriting the first 30,000 words and never actually finish a whole draft. I’m worried that the super-structured format of Scrivener is more a hindrance than a help. I can’t see the whole picture anymore. And I hate how jealous I feel whenever I see anyone talk about how many words they’ve written, how many stories they’ve finished, while I’m sitting here hoping for a few hundred words after work and a day without any pain. And all of this is made even worse by the fact that I can’t even rely on coffee for help.
I’m just rambling and feeling sorry for myself. I need to bite the bullet and go back to the start, go back to past tense because it feels more natural. I need to work out where I’m coming from before I can work out where I’m going. I know this story has potential, and if I can just stop myself from going full mind-fuck tragedy on the ending, it might even have commercial potential.
I don’t know. I need to sleep now and try again tomorrow.