I don’t think I know of anyone who dreamed about their perfect wedding when they were growing up. That just seems like a movie cliche to me. So when people in my life have found themselves suddenly betrothed, they turned to their friends for help and guidance in putting together their very special day. I love having an opportunity to get involved in a wedding, mostly because I like to make the worst suggestions possible. Such as, “Hey, you should get some engagement photos like this!”
Or, “Hey, I found the perfect bridesmaid dress!”
But now I’m in an awkward situation, because I’m the one getting married!
I’ve spent so much time thinking of stupid ideas for other people’s weddings that I’m struggling to figure out what I actually want for my own wedding. Being serious about this sort of thing is all very new and overwhelming. I feel like Jack Skellington trying to figure out how Christmas works.
I’ve decided I need to get all the stupid, non-serious ideas out of my system so that I can focus on sensible things, like table centerpieces and prohibiting anyone from putting those ugly satin covers over the chairs.
So without further ado, here is my plan for a perfect wedding:
The guests arrive at a secluded forest location and take their seats (with no ugly satin covers over them, ugh).
The groom is already there, dressed as Optimus Prime.
His groomsmen are dressed as Robert Muldoon from Jurassic Park.
Music is provided by the Doof Warrior from Mad Max. He plays the Monkey Island theme song on his flaming guitar.
The bridesmaids make their way down the aisle, dressed as velociraptors.
Then a flock of cockatiels fly me in. My outfits looks like I’ve been vomited on by a bunch of Japanese Lolitas and Tim Burton.
Our celebrant, Jeff Goldbum, will be dressed as Glinda from the Wizard of Oz
We exchange vows and Jeff Glindbum pronounces us husband and wife. The velociraptor bridesmaids then attack the Muldoon groomsmen. Then, with the ceremony complete, we all walk away from some sort of massive explosion, and no one looks back because we’re too cool to look back at the explosion.
Okay, now that’s out of my system, I can go plan my wedding for real.