Last night I fell down a Youtube rabbit hole, as one often does late at night when you’re too tired to do anything but not tired enough to go to bed. You know how it begins – you look up that band you liked when you were 16 and watch a couple of their old music videos. Then a couple of other bands come up as suggestions, and the next thing you know it’s 1 am and you’ve just relived the entire soundtrack of your youth.

I gotta admit I kind of did this to myself on purpose. It’s been a while since I was a teenager so I’m worried I’m forgetting how to write about being one. I wanted to try and recapture that feeling, to make sure I was getting the characters in my story right. But I went one video too far and now I’m stuck in a miserable fog of nostalgia.

I’m not very good at nostalgia. I don’t look back on things and smile and say “oh, those were the days.” I just look back and think about how anxious and depressed I was. I think about how I was too scared to ever raise my hand in class even though I always knew the answer. All those awful feelings come rushing back so easily that they smother any of the good memories I might have had. I know that sounds pretty melodramatic, but that’s how everything is when you’re a teenager I guess. Everything is black and white. Mostly black, in my case, because I was always a bit of a goth at heart.

At least the music was good. My god, the music was good.

The things that matter to you when you’re a teenager matter so damn much. Those bands were gods to me. They weren’t just the soundtrack to my life, they were the soundtrack to the lives of my characters, characters I miss more than a lot of the real people I knew then.

For a long time, I lost the ability to love things the way I loved them back then. But lately I’ve been feeling better, and I’m getting excited about music and movies and video games with all the fervor of a teenage fangirl.

It feels pretty great.

I’m just kind of rambling, sorry. Anyway, here are some of the videos that sent me into this nostalgic haze.

P.S I was in love with the singer in every one of these bands. Most have not aged well. Except for Pelle from The Hives, who doesn’t seem to have aged at all. It’s actually kind of weird.




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